Before the Storm
*I completely understand the distinction between the correct use of Americas and the United States in modern lexicon. However, for poetic license, will be using “America” or “American” in the context of the United States.
Today is November 2, 2020, the day before what could possibly become a category 5 human storm. I felt it would be much more profound to include the year in that last sentence as we all know it has been a historic one. Halloween felt a bit more festive and cheerful this year for me and my daughter. Funny given how its associated with ghouls and goblins. It was a break from all the mess and abuse we have caused each other in this great nation.
Instead of breaking up and making up, we continue to break up and at most take those little breaks until we are at it again. Violent rhetoric and infighting was a major factor in the fall of the Roman empire and history can and will repeat itself. We could repeat a history of compromise and consensus building. We can also fall victim to ironically silencing each other through our freedoms. The below is intended not to have you pick a side but to understand self-reflection. Self-reflection that is needed in a toxic environment caused by the so called freest citizens of the world.
Healthy Relationships is the American Way
Many served and gave their life in the defense of this country, believe it or not they represented a group you may not be part of. Teachers remain resilient through the anxiety and depression of not being able to adequately teach the students they care for. Again they are also part of a group you may not be part of and I’m sure you can think of many examples. On the flip side I’m inspired by one of my best friends who celebrates twenty five years of marriage – he’s white…she’s black…and they vote differently.
I am often asked, “why the heck are you as a military man in the dating business” and the answer is very clear and sound. The relationship and dating dynamics I have learned, applied, and now teach require very American ideals. Being in the business of creating or sustaining a connection seems like a soft art. Yet strength is required to be a quality single worthy of love, sex, and/or a relationship.
Things like opening the door for a woman or encouraging mutual understanding while patiently listening to one another. They seem like considerably basic and obvious ideals, yet we continue to fall short and have replaced American respect with a “us versus them” mentality. We no longer care what mental or physical battles someone is internally fighting, being right has become the social media law of the land.
The below are examples of destructive behaviors and patterns normally associated with relationship dynamics and how they have become part of the collective.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse seen in relationships. Defined as the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and events occurring around us. We have reached the point where individuals and groups would rather go out of their way to confuse another side and/or question empirical facts. This is an emotional abuse cycle where an “eye for an eye” becomes the norm and no one is left with an elevated level of mutual understanding.
Narcissism
Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance and a lack of empathy for others. Additionally, narcissists feel a need for excessive admiration, and the belief that one is unique and deserving of special treatment. Narcissists go out of their way to make others feel special to gain control. They then go on and play with emotions such as shock, awe, and guilt to maintain control over their victim(s). There are also plenty of examples of that in reverse order. We all know celebrities that go out of their way to offend a niche group of people. Weeks later they’re revered for their contributions to a non-profit. The stain of their previous action wiped off by the antibacterial wipe that is social media.
The reason we have an almost universal disdain for “Karens” is due to their feeble attempts at demanding special treatment. They do this all while the people she cut in front of hang their heads in disapproval. Worse yet are the Karens that decide they are the judge, jury, and citizen police in situations that hardly ever warrant their presence. This is narcissism at its worst though recording someone drowning for social media clout.
Victim Blaming/Victim Mentality
Victim blaming normally only involved two people, but when used in groups can be justified as an argument technique. “They put themselves in that situation,” is often the throw-away excuse. An excuse that amplifies the use of one loud mouth instead of two open ears. Victim blaming has often been more associated with cases of sexual harassment or assault. However, it has quickly expanded to other societal-political issues. Modern societal dividing lines have been built on racism, police brutality, mask wearing (or not), and yes political associations. The debates and division continue even if deep down the opposing side truly is the victim.
Conversely, having a victim mentality towards anything that remotely bothers a person, even when presented when contrary evidence, is troublesome on its own. It has now expanded to making it ok to be racist, sexist, violent, rude, and belligerent towards another victim or perceived victim. This can be countered by taking self-accountability and realizing how much influence we have in our own lives.
What do we do now?
We are at a crossroads, addicted to the debate or gaining the patience to be human again. If being politically informed leads to higher blood pressure and fighting amongst family members – are you really informed? Many have sacrificed the one life they live to become news junkies. Fixated on idolizing men and women in suits while going out of their way to destroy the common citizen’s day. I challenge you to sincerely get along with others who are good people but disagree with you socially or politically.
Start with the person in the mirror – united we stand or divided we fall.